What if i told you that all the front page articles, forum posts, video blogs, twitter trends and online press you wanted was not only at your fingertips waiting for you to claim it, but totally 100% free? It may sound too good to be true, but not if you have me on board as your Executive Vice President of Moral Outrage.
In the fast-paced world of moral outrage, you simply can’t afford to be left behind the pack. I promise to keep your company on the cutting edge of what’s offensive to gamers. I guarantee an increase in those sweet day-1 controversy sales by up to 45% in year one alone. With my 24 years experience of annoying gamers, i will create a strategy to have every single game journalist, website and uninformed news reporter talking about your game.
The aspects of your company i will improve as the Executive Vice President of Moral Outrage are:
– Proper interview training for your staff; I’ll teach them to say things so quote-worthy that even the smallest offhanded remark will be on the front page of all the outlets for weeks. For example, a common interview question “How long is the game” rather than give a normal answer you will say “Not long enough for me to explain it to a moron such as yourself” Alternatively, you may be asked “Let’s talk about the multiplayer” and you will reply “I’d rather talk about the entire level dedicated to chasing down and killing the last known panda in existence” You’ll basically be speaking in headlines at that point.
– Proper Marketing Techniques; Does your company still release trailers the normal way? Maybe having a countdown to make it a little special? If the answer is yes, then you’re doing it wrong. Make these people work for your PR tablescraps. Have them like and share your social media status, make them retweet something 100,000 times. Make them record themselves tapdancing around a sombrero and upload it to YouTube. Only after they’ve jumped through the required amount of hoops do you release the first trailer that consists of 90% stock footage of those girls in bikinis shooting guns, or maybe just half naked nuns.
– Community Engagement; In addition to the services above, i will properly engage the community for maximum possible moral offence. I will do this via methods including but not limited to: Arranging fake religious boycotts of your game, incredibly stupid explanations of why on-disc DLC was required and calling all the fans idiots on the official forums at least once a week.
Too much controversy you ask? No such thing. We all know gamers are all bark and no bite. No one will ever refuse to buy a game because they object to it on moral grounds. We may as well cash-in on that. You need to recognise that controversy press is the future of marketing. With my help your marketing budget will consist only of my salary. This could potentially mean a reduction in costs of over 5%
Please note that my employment is conditional based on the following assumptions:
1. I will not work with any women as their involvement in the video game industry is an ongoing lie perpetuated by the leftist game media and the illuminati.
2. I require a twice hourly 20 min break to browse online looking for poorly written articles and give them traffic and attention they would have otherwise never seen.
3. Company car + Fuel allowance
Please send a letter of interest via my twitter account. And remember, we will get results.
Dr Ruffle B. Berg
No agencies, please.