WORLD EXCLUSIVE FIRST REVIEW: BioShock Infinite

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Editor’s Note: Although the embargo on BioShock Infinite won’t technically be over for about another 5 or so months (give or take) Irrational Games were SO impressed with the quality of my review that they’ve allowed me to publish it early.

In case you’re some sort of sub-species of human that hasn’t developed the ability to think, you’ll know by now that BioShock Infinite is the upcoming masterpiece by Irrational Games and official world record holder for game with the most pre-release hype ever. Ok, I just made that up, but it’s only a matter of time. I’m just going to put it out there; BioShock Infinite by Irrational Games may just be the best thing I’ve ever played. Before I even turned it on it was my frontrunner for GOTY 2012 (And all subsequent years) because the boxart was so awesome. I wasn’t sure this whole “video games” thing was working for developers. But just as I was about to call it a failed venture and move on, BioShock has made me a believer again.

When I put the game into my PS3 a laser shot out that fixed my chronic back pain, made me better with the ladies, instantly doubled my IQ and gave me powers of telepathy. What’s even more impressive is that Irrational have done this without the need for a mandatory install or long loading times. What champs! But enough about that. Let’s talk gameplay.

The gameplay is a perfect blend of shooting, horror, puzzles, RPG, and action. You’d think that being spread over this many genres and attempting to incorporate as much as BioShock does would make the game feel less focused, but you’d be incredibly wrong. Every single aspect of this game could have been a whole game in its own right. It has the innovation of Portal, The storytelling of MGS, the fluid mechanics of Fight Night, the freedom of RDR and the looks of Watch Dogs. These are the things I would be saying, if those games were even a fraction of the genius that this game is. This game really is the new milestone that all future forms of art will be judged.

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Throw out every book you own, it’s all downhill from here. This has the greatest story of any form of entertainment ever. Within seconds of the opening dialogue I was entranced by the visual magnum opus that was unfolding infront of me. Every single character is so expertly crafted that I was practically riding a wave of my own tears of sympathy for the protagonist and his lady friend. Even the motivations of the smaller characters are justified with such ironclad logic that it’s impossible to spot anything even resembling a plothole. It’s so excellently written that I refuse to believe that mere mortals wrote it. But then again, we are dealing with Irrational Games. And as we all know, they are gods among men. My only regret is that the story had to end (and it is an amazing ending)

The visuals? Basically this happened when I first saw the masterpiece that is every single texture of this game. At times I could have sworn I was dreaming about the BioShock world inception style because the graphics and voice acting so effortlessly imitated real life. The game really does bend reality with its flawlessness. How it manages to include so many styles of art while never compromising on the overall direction is beyond me. Every level looks better than the last and then every level looks better than that on the second playthrough. This is the work of artisans.

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Overall, this game redefines the words first person shooter. Actually, we may have to redefine every single word in any language ever written because there are no superlatives capable of explaining the sheer magnitude that is the brilliance of this game. It is, without question, the greatest artistic undertaking in the history of life in this universe.

Is it possible to give this life experience a score out of ten? No, because every moment I spent with this game was the happiest of my life. You remember that feeling when you were a baby that you finally became aware of your own existence? That mind blowing realization that you are a human being with free will is the same thing you will feel every single minute of every hour spent in this game.

∞/10

Now, if you’ll pardon me, I’ve got a press event for the PlayStation 6 in Las Vegas to go to. Ciao, as the Americans say.

Dr. Ruffle Bartholomew Berg VII,
Professional opinion for hire.

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